Interview: A Christmas Elf or, Who's Derrick? by James Maddox |
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When I found that an elf was working at the Ashland Town Center Mall on a random visit to Kentucky, I asked if he would give me an interview. He agreed, stipulating that I had to keep his name confidential. I agreed, and we were on our way to the nearby coffee shop for a sit down.
Elf wasn't as short as I thought most elves would be, but there was something to his facial features that gave him away. Also, there was something to his eyes. They looked too old to be a part of his body. He sat looking at me wit those ancient eyes as soon as we were facing, waiting for my first question. So I asked it.
James Maddox: As an elf, what do you do after you're finished with a day at the mall?
Elf: What do you think? I take off this costume and have a drink.
JM: Milk?
Elf: What?
JM: According to some legends, if you give an elf a saucer of milk, they'll help you out with certain chores. Is that how Claus keeps you all working so hard? With saucers of milk?
Elf: First off, I don't work for any Claus. And Secondly, I like milk as much as the next guy, but I need to see cash to keep me on the job.
JM: I see. How long have you been working this particular mall?
Elf: This is my second year. Took me a while to find it. The work here is easy enough, and the stores are nice. I get to shop for my family, since I'm already at the mall. Everybody is happy come Christmas time.
JM: Where are your family from originally? Alfheim or Svartheim?
Elf: Lexington.
JM: Lexington, Under the Hill?
Elf: It's more west of here.
JM: I just wondered. I don't know if location has much to do with this, but there are a number of different versions of elves in western holidays. Halloween has goblins. St. Patrick's Day has leprechauns. Christmas has you. Are there different races of elves for each holiday, or are you assigned a holiday where you're located, or does it only matter where an elf's interest lie?
Elf: Interest, definitely. Only, more often than not, the majority of elves have turned toward Christmas since the Restructuring. Nobody likes to be thought of as a goblin, and leprechauns always feel the pressure to dress in nothing but green year round. Also, there's that whole rainbow and a pot of gold thing. People are always after that. It's ridiculous, but that's the rub of it. Christmas elves are surrounded by cheer, and since we are merely the middle men to the big guy, we're usually not bothered.
JM: Do they do background checks on all the elves that come to work here.
Elf: Extensive. Leave nothing up to chance. No one wants the ordeal of having a kidnapper on their hands, no matter what kind of presents they leave behind. But mostly, all those types have been able to leave the old ways and just do the job assigned them. Besides, residents of Fairie aren't all for collecting humans anymore. Even with the difference in time flow, all those children that were taken grew up, and suddenly we had full grown humans on our hands. Most of them resentful of having been taken. That wasn't a pretty time for us. We know that, and we've put it behind us now.
JM: How are the benefits with a job like this?
Elf: There are no benefits, officially. The Fairie Market has a booth set up for this kind of seasonal work, and every year chaps like me and Drizzt over there line up to get a job for Human December. The money we make does us well for the time we spend in Fairie. By the time it's used up, Human December's come back around on your side of the fence, and it's back to work for us.
JM: And they do use cash where you're from?
Elf: Oh, yeah. They did the big switch to currency once the Santa's Village people said they weren't paying with favors anymore. It became too costly to them, they said. And we couldn't do much about that. Used to be, if we liked you, we helped. If we didn't, we made your life a living hell. But like I said, that was in the old days, back when interbreeding hadn't yet dumbed down our magic.
JM: Interbreeding?
Elf: Yeah, those humans that didn't want to leave Fairie mixed with a population of elves that would have them. In fact, I'm somewhat a result of that particular period of our history.
JM: Really? You?
Elf: Thirty percent human.
JM: Wow.
Elf: But for some reason, we're still allergic to iron. Our people never got that figured out.
JM: So, what do you do with the time you're not in pointy jingle toes?
Elf: I keep myself busy. Sometimes, I'll visit those that live on this side full-time. Sometimes, I'll just read over the old scrolls. Sometimes, I'll catch up on past favors. There are always plenty of things to do. This job gives me a chance to do them.
JM: Why don't all elves put in for this job?
Elf: They do. It's just that not all of them get in, because of its high profile. Like I said: Extensive background checks. You can't be some slob off the street to work this gig. You have to have some pull. It makes a lot of elves sick that humans give this job to teenagers who don't appreciate it. Half the time, those little pimply bastards feel this job is some kind of punishment they have to serve, when, for us, this job is a chance to live easy in Fairie. It could be a chance to save our children a lot of work in their lives, or even a means of setting up your own shop in the Market. This here [jingles his toe bells] is a break—one I'm happy to have received.
JM: Well, I'm glad you've got it. And I'm glad you took the time to speak with me. This has been great.
Elf: No problem, sir. Now, I have to get back to work. These kids aren't going to guide themselves to Derrick's lap on their own.
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