Rabies:
Fuck, I can’t believe I’m doing this.
| Dear Sheos,
Where’d
you go? |
Sheos: You know I can hear
everything you say once you decide to tap into my frequency, right?
Rabies: Oh, really?
Sheos: Yeah. You don’t even have to say the “Dear Sheos”
part.
Rabies: Hmm... S’good to know. So anyway, where'd you go? I
went for nachos and a game of mini golf, and when I came back, the
Strom was split in half and Death was lounging in the pool. Like
Death-Death.
Sheos: Yeah, he and I had a complication.
Rabies: A complication? He never liked you.
Sheos: It should have been you talking to him in the first
place. That whole beach house/violation of spiritual law bullshit
was all your fault anyway.
Rabies: Maybe.
Sheos: Maybe?!
Rabies: So, where are you?
Kinns: Dear Sheos...
Sheos: Korea.
Rabies: Korea?!
Kinns: Dear Sheos...
Sheos: Hold on.
Kinns:
Dear Sheos,
Strictly negotiable: He
bought it from an American living in Switzerland. He was
an engraver with the U.S. Mint for twenty-five years,
and when they retired him, there was some technical
problem about his pension and he never received it. He
felt cheated and decided to get even, so he smuggled out
some hundred dollar plates that were supposed to have
been destroyed, and used his contacts to get the paper
that the treasury department prints its money on.
Yes, he has one that will turn out fifty bills every 8
hours -–five thousand dollars a day, but he wants to
negotiate.
Awaiting response.
Kinns. |
Sheos: Kinns,
Goddamn it, I told you
never to contact me on this line (but at least you used the code).
Okay, tell the Fatman that the negotiations are simple. Five dimes a
head and two pillars for the salt he can produce. Tell him that
we’re running the majority of the risk, which is why I’m keeping it
down to two and not giving up a full front deck. There isn’t a lot
left for the kind of goods he’s putting in (make sure you tell him
that; work it in somehow), and that he might want to start looking
for a new vocation. If he bites, kill him --He’s a traitor-- and get
out as fast as you can. If he shies away, let him and the subject
go. Odds are he’ll get in touch with us about a week after he’s
thought it over and surrendered himself to our cause. Alright.
Response granted. Now get to work.
Bring me cows! Okay, I’m back.
Rabies: North or south?
Sheos: South.
Rabies: Oh...that’s...oh...
Sheos: You sound disappointed.
Garce: Dear Sheos...
Sheos: Hold on.
Garce:
Dear Sheos,
Greeting in the name of our lord Jesus Christ.
Good Day Sheos,
I am Mrs.Garce Vivian, a widow to late Samson Garce. I
am 61 years old, I am now a new Christain convert,
suffering from long time cancer of the breast, from all
indication my conditions is really deteriorating and it
is quite obvious that I won’t live more than six months,
according to my doctors, this is because the cancer
stage has gotten to a very bad stage.
My late husband
killed during the U.S. raid against terrorism in
Afghanistan, and during the period of our marriage we
couldn't produce any child.
May the grace of our lord Jesus the love of God and the
fellowship of God be with you I await urgent reply.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Garce Vivian |
Sheos: Dear Viv,
Now, Why the fuck are you praying to me again? I’ve
went over your prayer quite a few times and still can’t seem to make
heads or tails of anything that you just said. Do you want me to
reanimate the corpse of your husband so he can impregnate you and
watch you die of cancer? Do you want me to get you lessons to help
you think up coherent, grammar-correct sentences? What? And why are
you coming to me in the first place? You’ve made it clear that your
allegiances lie with the Holy Zombie. Hook him up for miracles.
You’re getting nothing from me.
Okay, so here’s the jist of it: I’ve landed in a city
called Pusan, or Busan—I don’t know which because they can’t make up
their minds. Lucifer’s here, and I’ve been staying with him for the
time being.
Rabies: Lucy’s there?
Sheos: Yea.
Rabies: That’s a bit coincidental, don’t you think?
Sheos: Very, but what can you do?
Rabies: You could tell him to get his blue ass back to Hell.
Sheos: Don’t start.
Rabies: I'm just sayin’...
S.S.16: Dear Sheos...
Sheos: Grrrrr... Hold on.
S.S.16:
Dear Sheos,
I’m having trouble finding work as a homeless man and
stumbled upon you. Any advice?
S.S.16 |
Sheos: Dear 16,
Homelessness is a fierce, competitive occupation. You
have to be prepared for those who comparatively bum-shop. If you
were thinking that you were going to fall into a position of a world
class vagrant, you’d better just collapse your cardboard home and
call it a day. Be prepared to go that extra mile. Maybe pull a few
teeth and create a convincing story to gain sympathy points with
potential investors. Just remember that the best bums --Hobo Bob,
The Parchment, Fish-Cheek Jackie-- they all were committed to their
lifestyle without compromise. To reach their level you’ll have to
sacrifice a lot, but the rewards are clearly worth the effort.
So, anyway.
Rabies: Yeah, Korea. What’s that like? I hit Japan, Russia
(of course), and a whole string of places starting from Finland and
ending in Italy, but never Korea.
Sheos: It’s a little bit fucked, but the people keep to
themselves and the lay of the land is interesting.
Rabies: Cool. What about the food?
Sheos: The produce is cool, but the traditional cuisine is
lacking for me.
Rabies: Lots of cabbage, I hear. You like cabbage, don’t you?
Sheos: Fuck you.
Rabies: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Misty: Dear Sheos...
Sheos: Grrr... Grr to both of you!
Misty:
Dear Sheos,
Is oral sex SEX if you’re not going steady?
Misty
Black Mountain, NC |
Sheos: Dear Misty,
Of course it’s fucking SEX! In big capital letters:
S—E—X! It’s you people that try to rationalize or downplay things
like this that really make me want to endorse euthanasia a little
bit more than I already do. “Is it okay to eat a Super Sized
McDonald’s meal if I order a Diet Coke?” “Am I a cultist if I only
had a sip of the blood, and didn’t really like the taste of it?”
Throw out these preconceived notions of right and wrong and take
some pride in the things that you love.
Of course, this only applies to those who have steady partners.
Otherwise, you should remain in the shadows. Idiots!!
Okay.
Rabies: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Sheos: Oh, come on, are you not finished with that?
Rabies: Sorry—ha he he he—Sorry. Okay. I’m finished.
Sheos: Good. So what now?
Rabies: I don’t know. I was just wondering what happened to
you. What are you planning?
Sheos: I think I’ll stay here for a little while. How about
you and I meet in Tijuana on the first of June?
Rabies: Yeah, that sounds good. [Knock, knock]
Sheos: Who’s that?
Rabies: I don’t know; someone at the door. Hold on.
Sheos: Yup.
Sue: Dear Sheos...
Sheos: Ugh...Why not?
Sue:
Dear Sheos,
Sometimes my computer tells me that my virtual memory is
running low. Is this serious? How can I fix it?
Sue Denium |
Sheos: Dear Sue,
No, this is nothing to worry about, per se. It’s simply
that your computer’s making judgmental comments about your mental
capacity to remember things. It’s possible that it’s being a dick
about the situation, but it’s more likely that it’s looking out for
your well being and trying to express its concern that you’ll forget
how to do daily tasks, like avoiding telephone poles while walking
or keeping your hands off hot oven burners. In any case, I would
definitely look into the computer’s warnings and if there is a
problem, maybe give it an upgrade for being such a good friend.
Rabies, you there?
Rabies: ...
Sheos: Rabies? You there?
Rabies: ...
Sheos: Oh, come on, it’s not a damn phone--you can’t leave a
prayer line off the hook, you know? Rabies? Rabies?!
RAAAABIIIIEEEESSS!???!!!??
Rabies: ...
Sheos: Forget it.
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Lechuga: Nice Metal Gear Solid reference.
Sheos: Yeah, thanks. I think it worked out pretty well.
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